i will never know how to apologize for being one of them
by Lady Perditus
Summary: Kamen Rider Gaim. There is a shipwreck between his ribs. If you looked at the photo albums, all you would find are decibel meter graphs of phone calls and the intensity of his silence. He'll say sorry but he won't mean it.


**i will never know how to apologize for being one of them.**

**Summary: **There is a shipwreck between his ribs. If you looked at the photo albums, all you would find are decibel meter graphs of phone calls and the intensity of his silence. He'll say sorry but he won't mean it.

**Author's note: **Out of everything Kamen Rider related, I write about Micchi the most.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gaim or Micchi.

Ten parts. One hundred words each.

* * *

One of his earliest memories is that of his father's board room. Old men, with rigid faces and stiff ties all sit at a long table that his father heads. Takatora tells him _shh, be quiet, just wait until father is done_. Looking back, he supposes this is his first encounter with power plays and patience.

His father is the wolf and the rest are a part of the flock. Mitsuzane has to be patient because he hasn't learned yet. Takatora wraps his arms around him and strokes his hair. _It's okay, _he murmurs. _You don't have to understand it._

* * *

He's six when he learns he's not like other boys in his class, because sensei doesn't address anyone else with a respectful honorific at the end of their names. The other children avoid him, until one day a girl with pigtails sits next to him and announces herself his friend.

His father's tolerance is careful, but is dried up when one day Mitsuzane comes home shouting that he and Juka were going to go to America when they grow up. Juka was transferred the next day and Mitsuzane thinks he sees a little bit of disgust in his sensei's eyes.

* * *

His mother's funeral is the last time he sees his father. Nobody cried as the precession was held, and all the fake corporate men are impressed by the eight year old's show of strength. They would later tell his father that he raised his youngest right.

Takatora's hand was heavy on his shoulder.

Mitsuzane locks himself in his room when they get home. He cries underneath his covers, away from the prying eyes and fake sympathy. His father does the same. The difference between the two is that one of them is pretending, and the other simply doesn't come out.

* * *

Zawame City is a big place, and Takatora becomes his legal guardian. Their father stays behind, which as far as Mitsuzane is concerned, made no difference. He's enrolled in a prestigious academy and Takatora takes a leadership position in Yggdrasil. Mitsuzane hardly ever sees him, but his brother makes more of an effort than his father did.

He appreciates it, but he's already bitter and it's not enough. He goes outside and picks flowers from the garden even though he knows he shouldn't. They die as soon as they're plucked from the ground but they stay pretty for hours afterwards.

* * *

Mitsuzane meets Yuuya on an accident. He's been watching Team Gaim dance for weeks now—he loves how free they look, how their smiles aren't fake. There is a sort of power humming underneath their feet. They look like they are walking on clouds. Mitsuzane always left a little bit before their routine was finished, but this time he lost track of time and Yuuya approached him.

He tells him he should join.

Mitsuzane tells him he's never danced.

_That's okay, _Yuuya laughs. He seems confident in his choice. _None of us can dance. You don't have to understand it._

* * *

Kouta leaves Gaim and Micchi feels betrayed. It's not like when his father locked himself away in a stone office. Kouta is a better man than his father ever was. _This dance team stuff is for kids, _he tells everyone. Yuuya accepts it with a contemplative nod but Mai is—she's upset.

Micchi tries to stick up for him, when he's gone and when Mai is fuming. _You know Kouta, _he tries to tell her. _He's becoming an adult now. He probably left because he doesn't want to force us to grow up, too._

She's still angry. He is too.

* * *

The lockseeds are a blessing and a curse. They bring Kouta back but drive Yuuya away. But now Micchi has the chance to be the hero. He wants to use his own strength to protect his friends. He wants to grasp his own power to protect their smiles.

He's never felt closer to drowning, but it's exhilarating. It makes him want to fly. Maybe he should feel guilty, about using Sid. Going behind his brother's back.

He's been lying for years, so he doesn't.

With Kouta at his side, he feels invincible. He feels like he can save the world.

* * *

Joining his brother was—was, not necessarily the right choice, but rightly the necessary choice. It was okay that Kouta thought they were evil. He just…he just needed to get out. Micchi wants to crush his driver. He wants to throw his lockseeds in the forest. He wants Kouta to go home.

Micchi could—would, work from the shadows. As he's always done. Both in Gaim, and—everything else, really. He didn't really owe his brother much. He owed Mai and Kouta though. When—if, he betrayed them (he didn't—it wasn't so simple) it would be out of righteousness.

* * *

Kouta needed to get out of the picture. Micchi didn't care if he died anymore. He was an obstacle now, and he didn't protect Mai's smile Micchi thought they were on the same side—but now, not anymore, he wasn't the hero anymore. Kouta was only playing pretend now. He was the villain.

Micchi would bide his time. After this was over—maybe then he'd be allowed to be remorseful. Apologetic. A necessary sacrifice. Not right. Necessary. Working with Ryouma was the only way he'd ever have control.

Protect Mai. Micchi couldn't waver in his path. This was his strength.

* * *

Mitsuzane's brother is dead. Sid is too. Hase has been gone a long time, but no one remembers. Everyone pretends to still care.

Mitsuzane doesn't want to become god. He wants someone else to become god. He'd rather be a king. Kouta wouldn't die, but he'd find a way. Kouta was still so naïve, and gullible, and so easy to stab in the back. His strength was vapid.

Mitsuzane works with a monster because he is one. He remembers a wolf and a pack of sheep in a boardroom long ago. _Be quiet_, he tells himself.

_He still doesn't understand._


End file.
